And Other Things I’ve Learned About Balance

“There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

When Kid Brain Shows up for Breakfast

The morning sprint to brush, wash, feed, and clothe every person in the house—including myself—was nearing the finish line. On the other side of this magnificent threshold lay the most delicious of scenarios: a quiet room, closed door, warm mug, and deep breath before opening my laptop. If I think long and hard about my life and everything that made my heart thrive and sing, my kids and husband are certainly above work. But, my mind gets stuck in what I call Kid Brain pretty often in this house.

Kid Brain is when the fog and stress of responsibilities makes my normal, rational Adult Brain shut off. It happens during the stressful moments in motherhood when I meet my capacity for managing my emotions. My toddlers are teething at the same time (how?), my hair is pulled a dozen times before 8:00 a.m., the dishes have sat so long they smell up the kitchen, and if one more person throws their breakfast on the ground! I work for the money to buy the groceries to put them away to prepare the food to put it on your plate and now we have to put it in the trash. Do you see how frustrating that would be?

That is Addie’s Kid Brain making her lovely debut and … oh, look at that! It’s only 8:32 am.

When I’ve been intentional about self-care all week and got enough sleep the night before, I am the patient, fun, laid-back mom from a magazine cover, lovingly doling out heart-shaped grilled cheese sandwiches. But, when my tank is so empty that I’m emotionally running on fumes, I have dramatic Kid Brain moments. I think I’m fine when I’m not, and I don’t realize I’m not fine until I yell or (fill in the blank with whatever “adult tantrum” my Kid Brain picks in that moment). There is shoe-throwing, timeout when it wasn’t really necessary, and other, more ugly moments that I don’t have the mature self-knowledge to write about here.

The Difficult Balance

If you’re a mom, I don’t have to tell you the part about how they’re so cute that it’s actually hard to look at them or how my heart melts when they kiss me (all moms know that feeling). The question is, how do you balance the desire to contribute in the adult world with the responsibilities of your home and the tug at your maternal heart to take care of your babies? It is hard to do, and our culture doesn’t really get it.

Back to the morning sprint. I made the short drive to Grandma’s house, peeled an 18-month-old off of my hip, and grabbed a banana on my way out. Then, the glorious moment arrived: A silent home greeted me; my unread emails sang my name. This part of my life is not the most rewarding, but it is the most fun. My company and my role in it is like a rubix cube for my mind. I love to twist and turn the pieces of a problem until it aligns. I love to collaborate with talented professionals who know their industry to an impressive degree. I love working.

What I’ve learned about balance is that it’s important to shift at the right times. As women, we possess an innate ability to multitask. Theoretically, I could kiss my husband good-bye, stir some honey into a bowl of yogurt, and answer a work email from my phone, all within a minute or so. But the pace and blurred boundary lines don’t help me be my best mom self, wife self, or work self.

I’m much better when I resist the urge to respond to work during the morning sprint and after the kids have gone to bed. It makes my husband feel loved when I make him a smoothie to go and linger in his kiss a bit longer.

I’m much better when I read an extra book just because I want 10 more minutes to smell my kids’ soft, freshly shampooed hair and hug them in their tiny jammies during bedtime routine. I’ve been guilty before of skipping some pages because my mind was on one more thing I had to do on the computer.

I’m much better when I can focus during a Zoom meeting instead of silently praying no one screams from the next room because Netflix asked if we were still watching.

I encourage all working moms to pray with Ecclesiastes 3. Here is a short excerpt: 

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens … What profit have workers from their toil? I have seen the business that God has given to mortals to be busied about. God has made everything appropriate to its time.

If you find yourself trying to do everything, as we moms tend to do, and your Adult Brain is giving way to your most immature self, work/life balance and prayer are key. It’s worth mentioning that mental health plays a huge role in this process, and it’s often true (and certainly was for me) that you cannot get yourself back on track just by having a good plan and sheer will. Sometimes, we need more in-depth support. Therapy, supplements, regular babysitters, and medication are just some of the tools that you might look into if you’ve been unable to control your emotions for a while. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a free resource for getting connected to help, including a helpline.

P.S. Sometimes our worlds collide, and we can’t do anything but make the best of it. The most effective way to take a Zoom call while nursing a baby is to turn off your camera while you get situated and angle your camera so it’s shoulders and up. When you start your video again, no one has to know what a great multitasker you are. (I pray our culture eventually accepts nursing mothers as so typical that it isn’t a distraction.)

P.P.S There are a lot of ways this arrangement can go wrong, and I don’t recommend it for important Zoom calls. Speaking from (disastrous) experience.

Addie Cook is a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom of two little boys, Dominic and Xavier. She founded a company called Ivory For Business that partners with entrepreneurs to help them set up their small businesses for success. She enjoys sunshine, peanut butter and Call the Midwife.