“We can do small things with great love” (St. Teresa of Kolkata, aka Mother Teresa).

Small talk used to make me wince. It seemed to consist of superficial and insincere comments—meaningless fluff to fill the void. Why can’t we swan-dive into the deep end? How can we avoid mindless questions about the weather and “what do you do” and get to the heart of the matter—the messy, the philosophical, the stuff that exposes what makes us tick?

But this perspective only revealed my own small outlook on the matter. Small talk isn’t about fluff; it’s about showing up, taking the time to see another person, and building a bridge to meaningful communication and relationships. It has to start somewhere, and in most social settings, it starts small, with open-ended and thoughtful questions.

Where to Begin?

The first question we need to ask ourselves is, “Am I uncomfortable with silence?” If the answer is “yes,” why?

Often, our fear of small talk stems from a social anxiety revolving around “awkward silence.” Not knowing what to say, or after going through the basic “hi, how are yous,” we can become engulfed by the sense that the chatter has dried up, there’s nothing left to talk about, and all we can do is stand there feeling unbearably awkward.

But what’s so fearful about silence?

In most cases, the reason our conversations morph into mute self-consciousness is because instead of showing up to see another person, we are consumed by our own fears and insecurities. In doing so, we mistake a completely normal pause in conversation for an abyss of gauche ineptitude.

It’s OK to engage in a conversation peppered with pauses. And, it’s OK to discover that some conversations are more challenging than others. We are not going to connect with everyone. When those instances occur, we might need a moment to take in what the other person is saying to collect our thoughts. We might find that he or she is entirely uninterested in continuing to converse, and we should graciously wrap up the discussion.

The more we practice, the better we get, and those “pauses” will become shorter and shorter—especially when we can embrace the fact that we don’t have to fear silence.

One way is through active listening.

What Is Active Listening?

When we are engaging in small talk, it’s vital that we remember we are here for the other person, not ourselves. When communicating, it helps if we train ourselves to listen to understand, rather than to respond. 

Often, our fear of small talk leads us not to listen but, instead, to desperately try to think of something to say next. As a result, our conversation can feel disjointed, insincere, and uncomfortable. But, when we take the time to hear what another person is saying, we are operating from a place of genuine care.

Active listening allows us to hone in on what the other person is saying. We all desire to be seen and understood, and active listening is the process that enables us to be intentional in our communication and sensitive to the needs of others. It reminds us to ask for clarification if we need it; after all, the goal isn’t more chatter but understanding.

When we listen actively, it becomes a lot easier to maintain the conversation. We’ve actually heard what the other person is saying rather than obsessing over what we should say. We’ve paid attention to his or her language, both verbal and nonverbal. We’ve avoided social faux pas like interrupting or jumping to conclusions, and we’ve extended charity by choosing to act as a friend to someone.

Active listening is essential to becoming a better communicator. It seeks to understand and helps to safeguard us from misunderstandings, faulty assumptions, and defensiveness.

We can start small by listening well rather than trying to come up with a snappy response.

Human Being, Not Human Doing

One of the famed questions of small talk is, “What do you do?” It seems like a safe and normal question, but, according to etiquette experts, it’s actually rude for several reasons. First, who we are is not defined by what we do. We are human beings, not human doings. Our work is just one small component about us; it’s not our identity. If we are seeking connections, asking this question first is instant sabotage, since it prioritizes a person’s doing over their being.

Another reason this question is considered rude is because of the monetary connotation attached to it. When I worked as a private school teacher, people often followed up the question “What do you do?” with “How do you make enough money to support yourself?” My answer about teaching in Catholic school conjured up dollar signs and financial curiosity. Instead of leading to a healthy discourse, more often than not, I had to find a way to shift the conversation to more benign territory.

Lastly, not everyone enjoys their work, and not everyone works for pay. Ultimately, the question is a lazy one. Instead, we should choose open-ended and thoughtful questions that allow a person to share the things that truly light them up. In doing so, we let work come up in conversation only if the person wishes to bring it up, but we don’t reduce getting to know someone to their occupation.

What Makes You Interesting?: Collecting a Treasure Trove of Good Questions

So, what questions are good ones when it comes to small talk? It might be worth asking yourself what questions you would find interesting to answer. Most people enjoy talking about themselves, sharing their insights, or opening up about their hobbies. Come up with questions that are specific enough to facilitate a conversation but broad enough to allow the person to take charge and answer in a way that gives them joy.

Here are some questions that are worth considering:

• What book (or film) had a serious impact on your life?

• What are you looking forward to?

• What do you like to do for fun?

• What’s your favorite vacation spot/place to visit?

• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?

• What was the highlight of your week or month?

If you want to stick to the weather, try something unique like, “What’s the best way to spend a rainy day?” (especially if it is rainy out). Depending on the season, you can ask if they have any favorite traditions for that time of year.

If you are at a cocktail party, you can ask if they’re enjoying their beverage or if they have any recommendations regarding the food or drinks. If you are traveling, you can ask about local entertainment or restaurants.

If you’re networking, you can ask if there is a way you can help them achieve a goal or if there are any blogs or books that have provided them with tremendous insight.

The list of open-ended and interesting questions is gargantuan. All you have to do is pick a couple that you like and carry them everywhere with you. Having set questions takes a lot of the pressure off of that initial conversation. You never know: You might end up with a new friend, a fabulous reading list, or a fun restaurant to try.

Ann Burns is the founder of The Feminine Project, an organization dedicated to restoring the joy of womanhood. She is a writer and speaker, and strives to uphold what is truly good and beautiful. Most of all, she is a wife and mother, and loves to share the joy in living each day well.