The 5 Steps of Active Listening
“Listen carefully … and incline the ear of your heart” (The Rule of St. Benedict).
In her book “The Privilege of Being a Woman,” philosopher Alice von Hildebrand writes that women are naturally receptive “and move in it with ease and grace.” She defines this receptivity as “alert, awakened, joyful readiness.” The primary way that women are called to be receptive is (as it is for men) in our receptivity to God. But, women are relational by nature, and we are also receptive to the people God places in our life.
Active listening is one way to be receptive—to be truly open to another person and their needs and to respond to them. I believe that women are natural listeners, and yet we live in a fallen world, and some of us need some help in cultivating that gift.
Heather R. Younger’s new book, “The Art of Active Listening: How People at Work Feel Heard, Valued, and Understood” (out today from Berrett Koehler), responds to this need. Written for both men and women, it lays out a model—“the Cycle of Active Listening”—for listening well and offers practical advice on how to exercise your listening muscle.
The Cycle of Active Listening
Younger’s Cycle of Active Listening has five steps:
Recognize the unsaid.
Seek to understand.
Decide.
Act.
Close the loop.
She devotes a chapter to each step, defining it; explaining why it is necessary; and sharing examples from her life, work, and interviews. At the end of each chapter are a few bullet points with some tips for the unique scenario of remote work.
Recognizing the unsaid means picking up on nonverbal cues and understanding that not everyone feels like they can express their true feelings in every context.
Seeking to understand involves curiosity, empathy, courage, and presence. It means taking the focus off of yourself and onto the person or people you are listening to.
Decoding means taking the time to understand what the other person has told you, whether through reflection, research, or asking questions to learn more.
Younger acknowledges that it’s not enough to listen and understand what someone says; often, active listening requires action. This fourth step, particularly at an organizational level, can involve implementing a change to accommodate other people’s needs. It requires compassion (and, often, self-care to prevent or recover from compassion fatigue).
Closing the loop involves following up with the person or people and sharing how you acted on their feedback.
It Doesn’t Take Much
The overall takeaway from Younger’s book is that it doesn’t take as much as we might think to show people that we care. It requires listening, and it requires action—but it doesn’t take a large action to make an impact (as we know from St. Thérèse’s Little Way).
Indeed, Younger writes:
People often don’t want us to fix or solve a problem for them. Most times, people come to us simply because they just need an ear. They long to form relationships with people interested enough to give them their undivided attention.
… Sometimes, just hearing someone out is all we need to do. This is true as leaders of teams, as leaders of households, and as leaders in our communities. When we lean in long enough to discern what those around us at work need, then we will know what we can do next.
Listening to God, Listening to Others
Younger writes:
Most human beings long for as many people as possible to hear them, to listen to them. This desire is innate and runs deep, but when we’re seeking to understand, we must cultivate curiosity and put our own desires to be heard to the side—at least for the moment.
I don’t know what Younger’s religious affiliation is (if she has any), but as a Christian, I would argue that this “innate” desire to be heard “runs deep” because we are made to be heard by God. If we take the time in prayer to be heard by God and—equally importantly—to hear him, too, perhaps our ability to listen actively to the people we care about will grow, too.
Taryn DeLong is a Catholic wife and mother in North Carolina and serves as co-president and editor-in-chief of Catholic Women in Business. Her writing has appeared in publications such as FemCatholic, Natural Womanhood, CatholicMom.com, Radiant Magazine, and Live Today Well Co. She enjoys curling up with a cup of Earl Grey and a good novel, playing the piano, and taking walks in the sunshine with her family.
Connect with Taryn: Twitter • Instagram • Facebook • LinkedIn • Blog • Substack