Revising the Stories We Tell: Communicating With Truth and Charity
“I believe that, so as not to lose our bearings, we need to make our own the truth contained in good stories. Stories that build up, not tear down; stories that help us rediscover our roots and the strength needed to move forward together” (Pope Francis, Message for World Communications Day, January 2020) .
At its core, storytelling is human. We use stories to describe where we’ve been and where we want to go. We tell stories to make sense of our surroundings, instill purpose and shape our convictions. Stories are foundational to who we are and how we perceive the world.
This concept has been echoing in my mind ever since I heard the phrase, “The story I am telling myself is …” as a method of communicating perceived hurt. Popularized by Dr. Brené Brown and life coach Jodie Rogers, this phrase essentially calls out the “mind chatter” we develop in our brain.
A communication theory conceptualized by Walter Fisher known as the narrative paradigm argues that a story, built by verbal and non-verbal interpretation, is more convincing than an argument using rational thought. When we apply the theory outside of academia an in “real life,” it’s easy to see how we each live as the protagonist of our own lives. Throughout our individual stories, there are villains, heroes, extras, main roles, and — importantly — an overall, all-consuming plot.
However, the story we tell ourselves may not always be true. In his message for this year’s World Communications Day, Pope Francis describes the dual beauty and danger of stories: “We are engaged in a process of constant growth, discovering ourselves and becoming enriched in the tapestry of the days of our life. Yet since the very beginning, our story has been threatened: evil snakes its way through history.” Pope Francis continues to describe how storytelling can be a method for exploitation, misinformation, and division — which sounds familiar in our current political and social climate.
It is clear that stories are powerful in shaping our perception of the world, our workplace, our communities, and ourselves. And it is vital — especially when we are around people who do not think, communicate, or believe the same things we do — to redeem the stories we have concocted and ensure they are lined with truth, goodness, and beauty.
Stories in the Workplace
The narratives we construct in the workplace can be exciting stories that invigorate our potential, provide inspiration for our teams, and motivate an uplifting company culture — or they can be the opposite.
It’s not uncommon to jump to conclusions about the motivations of co-workers or supervisors or start to believe lies from the enemy about our own self-worth, productivity, and future. For example, when I was in college, a story I told myself daily was that my adviser to the student magazine I worked for did not care about me or my peers. Every aspect of how the professor communicated with me seemed to confirm this belief. His short texts, lack of explanation, constant criticism, and delayed presence made me believe he was setting me up for failure and enjoyed seeing me suffer. My story was reinforced by other students who had been in my position and by the men and women who were with me in the thick of it. I took my story as absolute fact.
At the time, I didn’t feel confident enough to communicate with him properly about how he advised my team and me. Years and many conversations later, I realized a huge part of the narrative was built around lack of communication. My adviser did (and still does) care deeply about my success and the success of other students; he simply has different methods of mentorship and communication than the forms I preferred and needed.
The story I got lost in made me insecure and less productive. It pushed me to look for instances to confirm and reinforce my story, and it led me to gossip, judgment, and lack of charity.
Seeing the Whole Story
So, what do we do when our stories aren’t honest portrayals of reality and we’ve recognized we are in a constructed tale?
1. Get the Story out
Communication turns conflict into trust. If possible (though it’s difficult to do), the best thing to do is to explain your story to the other “character.” Any element of miscommunication or perceived injustice can add to the story in your mind, and its best to address it at its root. Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Communication can dispel any lies we are telling ourselves.
2. Talk to Others
If you’ve spoken with the other “character” and the conflict (or personal narrative) continues, try speaking with a person who likes the person you have a problem with. Having someone else explain his or her work method or communication style might just do the trick, especially because that third person won’t have your hurt feelings. (If you need to pray about this point, check out Matthew 18:15-20.)
3. Hold Yourself Accountable
Finally — and especially if you are a manager — hold yourself to a standard to stop negative stories as they snowball. Make space for others to tell you their stories; address teams directly about a story you have planted as truth; and, always, bring the stories and hurt to God himself.As Pope Francis says, “With the gaze of the great storyteller — the only one who has the ultimate point of view — we can then approach the other characters, our brothers and sisters, who are with us as actors in today’s story. For no one is an extra on the world stage, and everyone’s story is open to possible change. Even when we tell of evil, we can learn to leave room for redemption; in the midst of evil, we can also recognize the working of goodness and give it space.”
Marissa Vonesh is a recent graduate from the University of Miami. She currently works as the lead graphic designer for Moment magazine in Washington, D.C. A native to Northern Arizona and adventure junkie, she is no stranger to hiking, spontaneous road trips, and midnight adoration sessions. Visit her work at marissavonesh.com, or connect with her on Instagram.