Forgive Me, Father, for My Repetition
“If we acknowledge our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from every wrongdoing” (1 John 1:9).
Sometimes, my confessions are so dull that I feel bad for the priest. Maybe I should mix it up: “I am truly sorry for my lack of trust, my laziness in my prayer life, that the getaway car got a flat ...”
I confess the same things over and over. I have a cheat sheet index card, and occasionally, I’ll cross something off or add something different. Still, it’s mostly the same failings again and again: lack of trust, dishonoring relationships, envy, ego, laziness, lack of discipline, selfishness. After I read through my litany of sins, a priest recently told me, “Well, welcome to being human.” Amen.
I say my penance, usually a Hail Mary and an Our Father. Sometimes, if the list of my sins is long, it’s 10 or more of each. Then, I’ll pray not to sin on the walk between the church steps and my car. And then on the short drive home. By the time I make it to my house, something has usually happened, and I mentally jot it down on my index card for next week’s reconciliation.
For most of us, it’s not murder or stealing that we ask forgiveness for. It is ego and sloth and envy and gluttony. We repeat these sins, because they are small and seemingly innocuous if we look at them instance by instance. It’s the daily repetition that causes them to stain and leak into our lives. Day in and day out, these sins of the ordinary take us further from dependence on God and His mercy. They are so small we think that we can fix them ourselves. We can use an app to give us discipline. We can be more thankful for what we have and less envious of others. We can choose not to make a mean comment about our co-worker. We can sign up for more volunteer hours. But our actions will never save us. And believing they will is another sin, so we might as well add it to the list. We cannot overcome any of our failings—however mundane or ordinary—without the intervention of the Holy Spirit.
I know that I can take my sins directly to God and ask for His forgiveness. I do so daily, sometimes hourly. But I am thankful for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It is healing to say your sins out loud, to hear the counsel of the priest, to hear the words of absolution. I feel the priest’s words, “I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” rain down over my head and wash me clean. A physical manifestation of God’s mercy pouring over me.
Here’s to being aware of my ordinary sins. May my daily struggle make me just a millimeter holier than the day before. May I feel incrementally more dependent on God than on myself. Thank you, God and holy priests, for listening to my litany of the dull and mundane. Amen.
Cathi Kennedy is passionate about building relationships. At the University of Notre Dame, she leads recruiting and admissions for the Mendoza College of Business. Her background is in marketing and communications, and she recently received her MBA. Impassioned writer, voracious reader, aspiring knitter. Married to a musician and mom to two amazing sons. Cathi is a convert to Catholicism and seeks to learn something new about her faith every day. Connect with Cathi: LinkedIn • Instagram • Facebook • Blog