Sorry, Not Sorry: Confessions of a Chronic Apologizer
“For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).
I am a chronic apologizer, and for that, I’m truly sorry.
Anyone else? I’ve considered starting an Apologizer’s Anonymous group. There’s only one step for ApolAnon: Never say you’re sorry. It’s a bit the opposite of the tenets of AA, but I think it has merit, just the same. I think the response would be overwhelming, especially from women. We tend to be sorry for so much: for being intelligent and resourceful and for having the audacity to point out the obvious.
Sorry, not sorry.
Building Self-trust
I wasn’t aware of my apologetic nature until about 10 years ago. My boss at the time was not having it. She said, “Unless you accidentally cause me physical harm, I don’t want to hear those words come out of your mouth. Also, not in an email.” Gulp. Yes, ma’am.
She had a valid point. I’d recently started a new role with a new company in a new industry. I was learning it all, stumbling my way through. With that context in mind, here are some examples of what I felt I should apologize for:
Not knowing whom to call.
Not knowing a process.
Not understanding the intricacies of patent law.
Coming to work early.
Eating at my desk.
Sending reminder emails that I had been asked to send.
Every time I said “I’m sorry,” I was negating my worth, experience, knowledge, and skills.
This behavior was due in part to a previous job. My confidence was shot. I had been told I was a failure, that I wasn’t meeting expectations, and that my voice didn’t matter. Because of this experience, I no longer trusted my instincts. Make a decision? I was dead in the water.
I didn’t express any of this to my new boss, but somehow, she knew. She had all the confidence in me that I no longer had in myself. She gave me guidance and resources and then let me figure out how to get from A to B. And, she didn’t want to hear any apologies if I went a bit off course.
My confidence grew, and my instincts returned. The apologies were harder to shake. In meetings, I apologized for having an idea or an opinion. “This is probably a dumb idea, but … ”—essentially negating the next thing that came out of my mouth before I even said it. “This is probably not what you’re looking for, but …”
Self-confident Service
I’ve taken at least a dozen personality tests: DISC, Myers-Briggs, StrengthsFinders, 16Personalities, etc. A consistent theme in the results is that I put others before myself. This is a great trait, right? As Christians, we should be humble and consider others before ourselves. The last shall be first; the first shall be last. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. I’ve got this! I was killing it—on the fast path to heaven, right?
My friends, I’m here to tell you that being a servant and negating your worth as an intelligent human are not the same.
I’ve had to learn that there is a time and place to be subservient. Serving others does not mean your thoughts and feelings don’t have worth, that you are not intelligent, and that your needs are invalid. Constantly putting others’ needs before your own is detrimental to your mental and emotional well-being and causes misplaced resentment. This behavior hurts professional and personal relationships. You should serve others with your time, your money, and your actions—but don’t sacrifice your self-worth in doing so.
Today's the day to rewrite the script. Be confident in who God made you to be. You can be assured of your voice, feelings, and thoughts and still be a servant to others. One does not negate the other: Awareness of your strengths can empower you to be a better neighbor, spouse, friend, and child of God.
I have this quote from the actress Amy Poehler hanging on my office wall: “It takes years as a woman to unlearn what we’ve been taught to be sorry about.”
You can kick the sorry habit. You are not stuck where you are. If you are a chronic apologizer, I encourage you to take note of the situations when you feel like you should be sorry. When someone asks your opinion? When you need to clarify the next step? When you need guidance and resources? None of these situations needs an apology.
Don’t let your insecurities win. Don’t let a lack of experience keep you from asking questions. Don’t let someone’s title discourage you from contributing to the conversation.
You are deserving. You are meant to be here. You are worthy of being in the room. You, my dear, are a child of God. Sorry, not sorry, indeed.
Cathi Kennedy is passionate about building relationships. At the University of Notre Dame, she advises graduate students for the Mendoza College of Business. Her background is in marketing and communications, and she recently received her MBA. Impassioned writer, voracious reader, aspiring knitter. Married to a musician and a mom to two amazing sons. Cathi is a convert to Catholicism and seeks to learn something new about her faith every day. Connect with Cathi: LinkedIn • Instagram • Facebook • Blog