Mama Doesn’t Need Wine: A Better Path to Self-care
“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
How many times have you seen T-shirts or tumblers sporting messages like “Mama needs wine” or “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”? Though these quips may seem funny and lighthearted at first blush, could they be indicative of a deeper issue in our culture? Do we really believe that we can’t get through the day without wine?
So-called “wine culture” is on the rise, and it’s especially endemic among Gen Z and millennial moms. But, really, the “wine” part is interchangeable: We could substitute any number of indulgent activities, from Netflix benders to mindless Instagram scrolling. Regardless of their particular form, the trouble with all of them is that in popular culture, they’re frequently rebranded as “self-care”: Things that we deserve. Things that we need.
The internet is replete with self-care content, and it’s not just inscribed on mugs or shirts. Social media influencers peddle the newest self-care fads that help them cope with the challenges of work, parenting, or life in general. And brands know all too well that everyday women and mothers frequently fall prey to this content’s shiny, empty promises of fulfillment.
When Self-care Makes Us Selfish
After I had my second baby, I spent late-night nursing sessions perusing this type of content. After a while, it started to embitter me, because due to various personal limitations, I couldn't partake in activities, like lavish vacations or long mid-day lunches or happy hours, that were supposedly so necessary to personal thriving. It twisted my heart into an ugly, selfish state (certainly not a typical result of healthy self-care practices).
Even when I indulged in self-care practices that were accessible to me in my current life stage, like stealing away for a few hours to shop, grab coffee, or get my hair done, I noticed a disturbing trend: Sometimes, I would end up feeling even worse than I did before. But why?
These indulgences were not making me a more whole, healthy person. Rather, I was viewing these self-care practices as an escape from my real life and its various responsibilities.
The day I realized that I viewed my kids as an imposition to my health and growth was one of the worst of my adult life. I would be doing myself a disservice to blame the twisted state of my own heart on external sources, but I’d also be deceiving myself if I claimed that the media didn’t seep into my psyche and affect me, as media frequently does.
That said, a purge was in order: I needed a bit of healthy distance from media that pushes certain cultural narratives. Frankly, I also needed to temporarily distance myself from other women from various life stages who leaned more into complaining than delighting in their vocational work. I took a necessary step back from consuming content and, instead, started to create my own: I took to journaling, blogging, and other creative pursuits to fill my cup and actively practice delighting in my new life stage as a work-from-home mother. Instead of looking wistfully at how others were spending their time with an escapist, grass-is-always-greener mentality, I began to work the muscles of gratitude and contentment, finding ways to revel in, rather than run from, my new responsibilities and tasks.
We Can Do Hard Things
The primary issue with wine culture broadly, and commercialized self-care as expressed on social media specifically, is that it undercuts our strengths and preys upon our weaknesses by conveying that we cannot possibly be expected to do hard things. What we really need is the opposite message: that we can do hard things—and that by doing so, we grow in virtue and strength of character. Translation: We become better, healthier, more empowered, and happier women.
All of us would do well to critically survey our unique life stage and determine what self-care means for us in our current season. As a new mom, self-care, for me, looks radically different than it has in the past. It doesn’t look quite as glamorous or enviable as it might have before. It’s more cozy, at-home date nights than fancy restaurants. It’s more mess and less carefully orchestrated dinner parties. It’s fewer hair blowouts and more diaper blowouts. It involves a lot of “nos” and a lot of new “yeses,” especially a wholehearted yes to the life for which I’ve always hoped and for which I am incredibly grateful—even, and maybe most especially, in the hardest of seasons.
Because, at the end of the day, a good glass of wine is a treat to be enjoyed, not a crutch to be relied on. We don’t need wine (or its equivalent) to get through the day. We women were made to do hard things, and we can: with or without our daily glass of rosé.
Alexandra Davis is a wife, mother, and writer who shares her take on issues at the intersection of faith, culture, and family life. She also writes essays reflecting on all that is good, true, and beautiful in everyday life. Her work has been published in Verily Magazine, Coffee + Crumbs, Public Discourse, FemCatholic, Everyday Mamas, and many more. By day, she runs Davis Legal Media, a ghostwriting and content strategy service for lawyers and law firms, and in the margins, you can find her wheeling her double stroller through vintage furniture stores, hoarding her favorite easy recipes, or writing at coffee shops. You can connect with Alex on instagram at @alexandraedavis or by joining her monthly newsletter, where she encourages women and working moms in the trenches.