4 Principles for Mentoring Young Women
“For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20).
The women who mentored me in my early 20s are the reason I found my career. I connected with them not only because I admired their work but also because I was grateful for their advice, their diverse experiences, and the time and love they were willing to invest in me. We formed lasting friendships, and through their support, I found a job in a field that I love.
That first job led me to working professionally with college students myself. For three years as a young professional, I lived in an apartment in a college dorm, overseeing the residential life and the formation of 200 women. The students I encountered during that time were filled with a potential and an elasticity that primed them to embrace new adventures, to recover from mistakes, and to be sponges for connection and mentorship.
Young adults, in particular, crave mentorship and guidance from someone invested in their well-being. Research shows that the relationship between mentor and mentee can have benefits for both, which rang true in my work with college students. On paper, my job during those years looked like matching roommates, answering emergency calls in the middle of the night, and running meetings.
However, the real substance of my work was in everyday conversations with the female students. These conversations often took place in the laundry room between loads, in the hall on the way to a campus event, or in the cafeteria line. Sometimes, these chats were casual and lighthearted; sometimes, they were heavy and serious. But in all of these encounters was the opportunity for me to see the woman in front of me with love and to serve and mentor her in whatever way she might need.
I didn’t always get it right, but I did learn a lot about mentorship through trial and error. If there’s a young woman in your life right now who comes to mind as you’re reading this article, chances are you already are or could be a mentor to her. If God is calling you to minister to her through mentorship, here are some things that I learned from my own experience mentoring young adults.
1. Just Listen
The single most important rule of mentorship in my experience is, simply, to listen. When someone comes to you for mentorship or advice, she may want to know what you think and what insight your experience can give. However, most importantly, she needs to work it out for herself. She needs to talk, to process, to tell her story, to hear her own thoughts out loud, and to be heard by you.
More often than not, the answers she seeks are already in her questions, her desires, and her heart; she just needs the space and the voice to figure it out. The times when I actively listened to the young women on campus—or the times when I didn’t—were the times that I succeeded or failed, respectively, as a good mentor. When in doubt, keep your own mouth closed; let her do the talking, and repeat back what she says to make sure you understand.
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Contrary to popular belief, being a mentor is not primarily about giving your own advice and opinions. First, listen; then, ask follow-up questions. The woman in front of you could tell her story to anyone, but she’s telling it to you. As her mentor, your job is to help her dig deeper into her desires and into God’s plan for her life.
By asking her questions, you give her the opportunity and a safe place to ponder whatever is on her heart. The best questions to ask are open-ended–the kind that can’t be answered with a quick “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions will give her permission to think before she answers. Ask her questions that begin with “how,” “what,” and “why.”
3. Affirm the Good in Her
When a young woman is at a crossroads, she often needs reminders about her good qualities and about all she is capable of. If she comes to you for guidance, take advantage of opportunities to affirm the good you see in her. One genuine compliment can go a long way; you may help shift her entire outlook on herself for the better.
As a mentor, have the disposition to identify and name the qualities that make her unique and virtuous. Affirming her for good actions has its place, but it is more important to affirm her specifically for who she is. Affirmation can also be a way of giving advice when you use it to help her see where she could be headed.
4. Refer Her to Other People
A good mentor knows that she doesn’t have all the answers. If you see a skill set, a passion, or a desire in the woman in front of you, give her resources to pursue it further. As you listen to her story, an idea, person, or resource may pop into your head. Think of yourself as a connector who helps connect this young woman to things or people who can bring her God-given vocation to fruition. Your confidence in referring her to others can instill in her the confidence to keep going when her own self-esteem would have stopped her.
Mentorship is a way for women to fulfill the feminine vocation to spiritual motherhood. If you want to change business (or the world) for the better, mentor a young woman. Whether it’s the intern or new hire in your office, the babysitter for your kids, or a girl from your parish, be vulnerable, and see if she wants to meet up. Maybe she already has all the mentorship and support she needs, but maybe your outreach is exactly what she has been yearning for.
Alexandra Cook is a freelance writer living in northern Virginia with her husband and two children.