“Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No’” (Matthew 5:37).

Caught in the “Yes” Trap

We’re often told to say “yes” like Mary, aren’t we? It’s true—but sometimes, saying “yes” to God means saying “no” to a request from someone else.

For instance, I volunteered to produce a church-related newsletter for several years but then noticed it was taking too much time from my business. I realized that it was time to move on.

But saying “no” can be hard. We don’t want to leave people in the lurch. We enjoy being known for our contribution. We secretly wonder if they can really get along without us.

Press the Pause Button

It’s usually not a sin to pause before answering a request. In fact, pausing or delaying our response until the next day gives us the opportunity to check in with God to see what He wants. Ask that the request be emailed to be sure you understand what’s involved.

In “The Book of No,” authors Susan Newman, Ph.D., and Cristina Schreil help clarify when “yes” is not necessarily the right answer to “Can you …?” They suggest asking yourself this list of questions:

Do I have the time?
What will I have to give up?
Will I feel pressured to get it done?
Will I be upset with myself after saying “yes”?
Will I resent the person asking?
Will I feel duped, “had,” or coerced?
What am I agreeing to? What’s the gain?

Check in With God

If you have a habit of spending quiet time with God, you’re likely pretty sure what God is asking of you in this season. It’s worth taking the time to consider whether a request fits in with the core mission He’s called you to right now.

For example, if your mission is motherhood, you’ll consider first what your children need from you. Or, if your mission is writing, you may think twice about heading up a fundraising gala that would keep you on the phone for six months.

Graceful “Nos”

Charles Stone, a Protestant pastor, shares ways to gracefully say “no.” Here are two:

1. Say “No” Without Using the Word “No”

Stone writes that to soften your response, use phrases like, “I’m sorry, but that won’t work for me right now” or, “My schedule won’t permit it now. But thanks for thinking of me.”

That last one—“My schedule won’t permit it”—requires some ground work on our part. I learned from Michael Hyatt and David Allen that if I put soul food (i.e., prayer, exercise, and reading) on my calendar first, I’m less likely to fill that time with other demands.

I’m learning slowly to schedule what’s important first and let everything else fill in around it. We can't help anyone if we are spiritually weak; prayer, exercise, and reading are must-haves if we want to serve God well.

2. Simply and Kindly Say “No” and, if Possible, Explain Why

I’m not sure I agree with explaining, because some requestors will just argue (remember the Garden of Eden?). Stone adds: “No may feel awkward, but that uncomfortable emotion will quickly pass. However, if you say yes when you should have said no, the feelings of regret last much longer and take a much greater toll.”

Courageous “No”

In his book “Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less,” Greg McKeown ties a thoughtful no to the virtue of courage. Courage is doing something scary because it’s the right thing to do. And saying “no” can be scary! Thinking of no as a display of courage can help us turn down an offer if, after checking in with God, we know it’s not for us.

After all, Mary’s life was not all yeses—she had to say “no” to the devil and to anything that would lead her, out of fear or weakness, away from God’s will. In other words, if we put our effort into saying “yes” to God, the nos will take care of themselves.

Rose Folsom is a prayer coach who helps Catholic professionals make a connection with God that gives them more clarity in their decisions and more peace in their life. Download her free guide, “3 Easy Ways to Jumpstart Your Prayer Life Today” here.

How and When to Say “No”