Stop Shaming and Start Celebrating Other Women
“Whoever boasts, should boast in the Lord” (2 Corinthians 10:17).
The narratives Catholic women receive about work are often dramatically conflicting: Misguided gender stereotyping heavily implies that a woman’s only role is her vocation in the home, whereas many feminist narratives tell women to tear down the patriarchy in the name of equality—but at the expense of belittling the genius of both women and men. Each narrative claims to possess the truth about women’s vocation to work.
Neither narrative is properly rooted in Catholic teaching, yet both contain implicit and sometimes explicit “shoulds” and “should nots” for women. This moralizing, most of which has no basis in Catholic moral teaching, can imperceptibly start to frame our understanding of what it means to be a woman and to do valuable, holy work.
With these errors in our subconscious mind, we can also unwittingly let them out of our mouth when talking about other women.
Whether or not we realize it, if we believe some of these false “shoulds” and “should nots,” we can impose them on the women around us. She should/should not [climb the ladder, work in a certain field, get married, pursue further education, have children, negotiate for a promotion, buy a house, quit her job once she has kids, etc.]. The result is judgment and shaming.
As Catholic women aiming to use business as a tool for evangelization, we must be intentional about how we talk about other women on the topic of work, including—or even especially—when we praise accomplishments and life choices. Praising women only because they meet the standards of an ideology or only because they have long bios is a shallow cause for celebration by itself and promotes an unhealthy way to relate to each other.
The truth is that a woman’s dignity is rooted in the fact that God loves her, and the only guiding “should” in her life is that she strive to know, to love, and to serve Him. She is capable of whatever work God calls her to, because His grace will sustain her. Any accomplishment that she achieves has value because she has co-created with God.
Instead of calculating another woman’s worth by how she measures up to artificial standards of perfection, celebrate her by delighting in God’s unique call for her. It’s time to stop shaming our fellow women and to start using language that reflects the truth.
Changing Our Disposition From Judgment to Delight
It’s impossible to speak joyfully about the mystery of God’s providence in another woman’s life while internally judging her. If the opposite of shaming is to rejoice at God’s call for each woman, we can start by approaching the women around us with a holy curiosity.
In the past, God’s will for individual women has (greatly) challenged the ideologies and gender roles of their eras, not as a threat to His design for the nature of men and women but to accomplish good through humble individuals listening to His voice. Three such women are St. Catherine of Siena, St. Joan of Arc, and St. Zélie Martin.
St. Catherine broke almost every rule in the book for women in the medieval ages: She refused marriage but didn’t become a nun, and eventually, as a layperson, she powerfully influenced Church leaders—specifically the pope, by persuading him to return to the See of Rome.
St. Joan received God’s call for her in visions of the saints and, as a teenager, went on to iconically lead the French army to victory in battles against the English during The Hundred Years War.
St. Zélie may have seemingly lived a quiet, uneventful life, but she breaks many feminist tropes about the past. She successfully ran her own business (her husband even quit his job to work with her for her business), all while giving birth to nine children and raising five of them.
These women did not brazenly push for their own will and glory but humbly accepted God’s call and performed (sometimes outrageously) courageous deeds. There was nothing about their particular calls that lessened the men around them or made themselves less womanly; rather, they called everyone around them (and, now, us) to higher virtue.
Far be it from us to impose “shoulds” and “should nots” on other women when God can work through them in captivating and even surprising ways. We must cultivate in ourselves a disposition of delight in God’s plan and generous benefit of the doubt for each other.
What to Say Instead
So, how do we craft a new language of genuine support and praise around the topic of work? While a mindset shift is fundamental, here are some more practical suggestions of things to say (or not to say) when talking about women’s accomplishments.
Leave “should” and “should not” almost entirely out of your vocabulary.
This challenge is harder than you might think, but you might be surprised by how often you can use a different word that more accurately describes the situation. Leave “should-ing” and “shouldn’t-ing” to moral theologians, and enjoy how freeing it is to see the women around you without these two words narrowing your vision.
Praise her for who she is and for how and why she does something, not just for what she has done.
There is a place for praising actions, but it is more truthful to pair it with praise for who a woman is and how she is cooperating with God’s will for her life. (For example don’t just say, “Wow, it’s so impressive that you got a promotion!” but, “You do your work with so much attention and effortless love” or, “I really admire your leadership and creativity.”)
Ask respectful questions instead of giving opinions.
If you’re struggling to find something to say or praise, invite the woman to speak more: “What do you like about this kind of work?” “What would you change about it, if you could?” “What is something you love about your day to day?” “Why do you feel called to the work that you do?” “Where do you see God leading you?”
Work and achievements can harmonize with a woman’s individual call from God in a myriad of ways. Celebrate her unique vocation rather than tear her down, and let God surprise you with the details.
Alexandra Cook is a freelance writer living in northern Virginia with her husband and two children.