When the Holidays are Hard
“Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Christmas was my father’s absolute favorite holiday – he loved the cheesy songs (I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas and Santa’s Coming in a Whirlybird were particular favorites), the decorations, the movies. He convinced my stepmom to continue putting up a huge live tree well past the point when she was really interested in it. Fittingly, the town’s Christmas parade route ran right past his house.
So when he was diagnosed with terminal glioblastoma (brain cancer) in July 2018, we all hoped to have at least one more Christmas. That first Christmas after his diagnosis was particularly poignant and we tried to pack in all the things we wanted to remember: my eldest niece dressed as a giant hippopotamus; we all got hippo-themed gifts and listened to his favorite song on repeat. We gathered around the tree, shared gifts and laughed. I got up early to make special cinnamon buns; my stepbrother cooked a huge meal; we all ignored other commitments to stay together.
Thankfully, he lived for three and a half years post-diagnosis and we enjoyed more Christmases, including my long-hoped-for daughter’s own first Christmas, but they got harder as he slowly lost his ability to walk, feed himself, and speak. In December 2021, we knew that the end was close and I debated how to actually celebrate a holiday that was my favorite, as well. I made the two-hour drive frequently, by that point nearly every weekend, but didn’t want to miss celebrations at my own home.
Finally, we decided to hold our family’s Christmas morning celebrations on Christmas Eve, just in case. Christmas morning, I drove to a nearby open gas station to be sure I was ready to leave when I got the call to my heart: “Go now.”
Thankfully the gas station was close to the highway. I walked in the door just in time to hold his hand as he passed.
An Advent in Grief
Although it’s been nearly four years and grief does get more manageable with time, both Advent and Christmas itself hold different meanings and challenges now. Although I certainly have days when I wish my favorite holiday wasn’t now fused with my grief (couldn’t this have happened on, say, Labor Day?) it does certainly offer an immense amount of comfort as well. What better way to remember our true destination and aim – eternal life – than Christmas? Even at the time I thought: “What a perfect day for him to go Home”
If Advent and Christmas are hard for you as well, here are a few tips to make it through:
Work in time by yourself to grieve, or just to be silent or in prayer
Give yourself grace. You may not be as excited as you used to be about activities that previously brought you joy
Find new things that DO bring you joy. My family started baking cookies on Christmas day to bring to first responders, which helped keep me busy doing something I like but also make me feel like I’m doing something meaningful
Know things will change over time. Grief ebbs and flows; one year may be hard, the next easier, and then back to hard again.
Don’t spend all your time consumed by your grief, but don’t avoid it. Allow yourself moments to lean in and feel sad.
Say “no” or “not right now” when you need to; if that big holiday party doesn’t feel like something you can manage, plan to go next year, drop off some snacks beforehand, or offer to make plans with the hosts after New Year’s.
Know that you’re not alone. It can certainly feel that way, but the holidays can be overwhelming to many for lots of reasons. Find one or two people you trust who you can turn to when you need. Buy yourself a cuddly stuffed animal to hug, get a copy of your favorite book to re-read, or a box of your favorite tea. This season can be hard, but it’s just that – a season – with immense blessings at the end.
Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Sarah Battersby has a Bachelor's in English and a Master's in Social Work and has spent most of her career working with students and student-serving organizations. She currently works for the small consulting firm she co-owns. She loves reading, baking and discovering new things with her daughter. She lives in North Carolina with her family.