Mary Walks With Us in Loss
Michelle Hamel vulnerably shares her personal experience of losing a child in a new book for families facing this tragedy. “Journeying Through Infant Loss with Our Lady of Sorrows” was written to show others who are grieving that they are not alone.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and we know there are members of the Catholic Women in Business community who have experienced these tragedies.
By reflecting on Mary’s Seven Sorrows and sharing her own story of the life and loss of her daughter, Therese, Michelle offers a hope-filled, Catholic perspective, reminding us that Mary is here to console us and lead us to her Son.
Why were you drawn to Our Lady of Sorrows as a guide for navigating loss?
As often happens with different saints in our lives, I feel like it was Our Lady of Sorrows who reached down to me in her motherly compassion. Mary, as Our Lady of Sorrows, understands a mother who has a broken heart more than anyone. Mary can console us in her understanding, she can teach us how to journey through the grief of losing a child, and she can teach us how to hope and trust even in the midst of such a devastating loss.
How is mourning the loss of a child different from mourning the loss of an adult?
No parent ever expects to lose their child. We always expect that we will go first. The order is all wrong because we live in a broken world. When we lose the presence of our little one, we also lose the lifetime of hopes, dreams and experiences we had already started forming in our hearts as soon as we saw that positive pregnancy test. It all gets ripped away from us. Losing a child in infancy gives us very few memories to hold onto. Losing a child during pregnancy doesn’t give us any memories of seeing or holding our child. But losing a child at any age is a very heavy cross to carry.
Did this experience of grief deepen your relationship with Mary? If so, how?
Absolutely. And it was the catalyst for a relationship that is still growing. At the time of Therese’s death, Mary was a lifeline for me. She gave me the grace of connection within the hardest emotions of her life and in Therese’s story. Mary brought me comfort and strength in one of the darkest moments of my life by sharing her strength and emotions of the darkest moment of her life.
At one point in my healing of Therese’s loss, I put Mary in a box. I wanted to move on and stop hurting. I wasn’t patient with my own heart. I used a lot of emotional duct tape and tried to stuff my feelings and hurry to the finish line of healing. As you might imagine, that didn’t go so well.
Thankfully, God is patient and so is Mary. Even as my own self-sufficiency and self-protection fell apart, God’s grace stayed with me, and led me through the healing process over time. Although my lack of surrender and avoidance toward reaching out to get the help I truly needed made the healing process so much longer!
Part of me always felt that my relationship with Our Lady of Sorrows was just for that moment of my life. It took writing Therese’s story 25 years later, in the midst of navigating present day family trauma, that Mary showed me what is, for me, the biggest grace of writing this book. Mary showed me a mother’s consolation in the midst of the devastating loss and brokenness I was navigating in the present moment. Mary tethered me to herself in a way I couldn’t see on my own at a time when it was a full-time job for me to survive emotionally day to day. I came to understand that connection to Mary’s sorrows was not a “one and done” thing. Mary continues to walk and guide me and this time I will not put her in a box or walk away from her. I’m so grateful for this reconnection to her and the deeper and more broad understanding of the graces that connection to Mary’s sorrows can bring into my life and the life of anyone going through suffering.
What do you hope other mothers who are going through a loss receive from reading this book?
I pray that grieving mothers feel less alone as they read my book. I hope that they feel seen knowing that someone else felt similar emotions, even if their circumstances are different than mine. I want them to know that their feelings of grief are normal. And I want them to find hope for their own healing, while understanding that the journey toward healing takes time and support from others.
What has this experience of grief taught you about motherhood?
My life experience has taught me that motherhood is a gift that is not guaranteed. That this gift is worth cherishing and protecting. Motherhood is much bigger than just our immediate earthly lives. It encompasses eternity and having that perspective changes everything.
Has writing this book been an avenue of healing in your life? What else has helped you to heal?
This book has been an avenue to healing in my life, by reconnecting me to Our Lady of Sorrows in a very personal way. Sharing Therese’s story in a very public way has fulfilled a desire of my heart that I’ve held since her passing. No matter how long or short a child’s life is, their lives matter because he or she will live forever in eternity! Being able to honor Therese’s existence has brought me deeper peace.
There were several instrumental things that helped me on my healing journey over the years. For me, prayer, adoration, Mass, and the graces received from confession were really important. Talking to a Catholic therapist at different points over the years also helped me work through hard emotions. Having friends accompany us in our grief was very consoling. Reading books by other parents who suffered through loss and were working through healing was very encouraging and validated the way I was feeling, especially in the first year or two after losing Therese.
God uses all things, so being open to where He leads and to the people He introduces into our life to guide us, is really important. Most of all, we need to be patient and honest with ourselves and our emotions. Healing is a journey that cannot be rushed.
What advice can you share with others who have a vulnerable story to share and are considering or attempting to share it?
Continually bring it to prayer and be willing to take whatever the next best step is for you. Reaching out to other writers that you felt connected to when you read their writing to ask for suggestions can be helpful. Your path won’t look exactly like theirs, but hearing their experiences can give you different ideas to pray about and research. Personally, I found the Catholic Writer’s Guild online retreat very helpful. (They also do in person writing retreats.) I also joined the PraiseWriters writing community, with monthly interviews on all kinds of topics related to writing and publishing. (And access to all the previous interviews they’ve done in the last several years.) Claire Dwyer is the cofounder and she just has a wealth of information that she shares.
What is something you would like every grieving mother to hear?
I want her to hear that you aren’t alone in your grief. All of the overwhelming emotions are normal. Healing is a journey. It takes time, but it does get easier. You can get through this, with God’s help. He sends comfort and support through so many different ways; through His Word, through songs, through people in our life (both known and unknown), through His priests, through His saints, through the Sacraments, through natural beauty, and especially through His Mother.
Write down the ways that you feel Him or the graces/interactions you experience. Writing them down is important because, on days where everything feels really, really dark, you will forget. The devil will whisper all the lies into your ear, tempting you onto the slippery slope of hopelessness and despair. But you can go back and read the ways that God was faithful in your life, and that will give you hope. It will be a light to help you through the times of darkness.
Lean into Mary as Our Lady of Sorrows. She understands all of your grief and pain. She longs to wrap her mantle around you and comfort you. To console you in your loss and to walk with you on the long road of healing.
The Managing Editor of Catholic Women in Business, Sharon Bengel is a cradle Catholic with more than 30 years of experience in writing, communications and publication design. A recovering newspaper reporter with a crush on the prophet Jeremiah, Sharon loves discovering new things about the scriptures. She runs an LLC out of her home office in southwest Ohio where she keeps a stash of chocolate for her grandkids.