The Beautiful Truth Behind Jealousy
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, his male or female slave, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20:17)
I did it. I’m ashamed that I did. I’m ashamed that I’ve done it several times.
I found myself triggered by another woman’s success. A wonderful Catholic woman, no less. She’s making more money than me. She’s got more clients than me. She’s more known than me. So what?!?!
Of course my brain immediately self-censored, running through the litany of reasons why her accomplishments simply confirm that what I desire is possible and scolding myself for envy and jealousy. I know they’re wrong. Even my three-year-old can recite the 9th and 10th Commandments.
I know it does no good to compare. I know — and truly am grateful for — my many blessings.
And yet I’m human.
I’m happy for this woman. She’s worked so hard. She’s so good at what she does. My rational brain knows that. I don’t want to feel this way. But it wasn’t my rational brain that was triggered. It was the subconscious, emotional one.
What We Really Desire
What did her success actually stir?
Though often used interchangeably, envy and jealousy are quite distinct. Envy is a resentful longing for someone else’s belongings, wanting what they have.
Do I think it would be nice to have this woman’s income, assets, and lifestyle? Sure. Am I so bold to assume they would solve all my problems and I’d live “happily ever after” if they were mine? No.
I know it’s not external circumstances that enable contentment or determine enoughness. Contentment is a choice; enoughness is our birthright as daughters of the King (Romans 8:17). Every Saint is proof we can have immeasurable joy no matter our dearth, that our dignity is infinite and interminable no matter our earthly lot. And I don’t ever want “success” to keep me from fitting through the eye of the needle.
Am I after this woman’s prestige? The influence and notoriety she’s accrued? I hate to admit that I am — a little. Yet not for their own sake but for what my brain thinks her profit and popularity symbolize.
Protecting What We Think is At Risk
Jealousy is perceived threat to something valued, the fear of losing something precious, someone we love — or at least their favor and approval. And whose, in this instance? God’s.
Does another woman’s success signify she’s more blessed than I? Perhaps she’s doing it “right” and I’m not? Does God love her more than me? Of course not! My rational brain knows that. Even typing these words feels ridiculous. But as Google elaborates, jealousy drives us to be “fiercely protective” of what we perceive is at risk. Few, if any, realize how deep and well-intentioned the roots of jealousy are.
The human experience of love is inherently conditional, so the body gets wired to believe it must constantly earn its belonging. We always feel like we’re in battle with everyone else who wants a share of “the pie.”
As mothers, we’ve seen how the heart only expands with each new child, but as children all we knew was the struggle for our parents’ prized attention. As women and wives, we pray we’ll be treasured for our inner beauty, but there’s no denying the world rewards youth and outward appearance—or even that our husbands are generally happier when, say, we’ve cooked their favorite meal.
That’s what gets triggered when we’re jealous: bitter memories of having to vie for others’ attention and affection, the emotional wound of having had to be a certain way or do something our loved one desired in order to receive them. The fear that if we’re not what or as we should be, we’re somehow less wanted. That if we’re pursuing our calling but not “successful”, it must mean we haven’t heard His call correctly. He doesn’t love us. Or worse, that He’ll leave us — just like many in our life already have.
Of course the stakes feel so high! It’s our fallen human nature to succumb to the trap of tit for tat: if I do this, I’ll get that. If I make them happy, they’ll love me. And by extension, if I’m not (yet) “successful,” I must not be (as) loved.
Why, then, wouldn’t our brain perceive a threat from someone else’s “success?” Why wouldn’t our nervous system innately jump into a stress response, fighting to be the favorite? By this lens, jealousy is just the brain doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect our social survival, our (premier) place in the tribe. It doesn’t matter how much we cognitively know that’s not how God works; our emotional programming always overrides rational thought.
God Shows No Partiality
It’s not that we wish anyone else ill. I certainly don’t. It’s that our human brain can’t comprehend how we can both be equally loved when God has (thus far) only endowed her with “success.” How is that even possible???
Because God shows no partiality. No matter how incomprehensible it is to our human heart, He loved each of us into existence. He loves us still, loves us always — unconditionally, despite the wounds that make us fall prey to the sin of jealousy.
The wounds that wired our nervous system to get jealous are not sinful. Rather, they are gifts inviting us to find true love with Him, in Him. He knows our wounds better than anyone. No matter how much human love has let us down or let us think love can be lost, His perfect love endures. It heals.
What’s ironic is that God himself is jealous for us. (Exodus 20:5). It’s not our success or lack thereof that wins us His love. There’s nothing we can do to earn it; nothing we can do to lose it — unless we, Heaven forbid, choose to leave Him.
Even then, whenever envy or jealousy rip us from His embrace, He’s always waiting with open arms to receive us back. He wrote our story. He knows our hearts. And He loves us the same.
May every woman find success — not just the earthly but the eternal kind. In Him, there’s more than enough to go around.
Amber Curtis, PhD is a Certified Life Coach, behavioral science professor, and Catholic mom of four. After getting suicidal from the stress of keeping up with her high-pressure job while raising young kids, she’s on a mission to help other moms better understand their brain and body so stress no longer sabotages them—or their relationships. She shares neuroscience-backed strategies to work from peace—not pressure—atsolutionsforsimplicity.com and the More Time for Mom podcast.