Looking back on your past self with humility
“Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will exalt you.” (James 4:10)
This past summer, after a visit to my parents' home a six hour drive away, I brought back a collection of about a dozen notebooks containing my journal entries. The series of books had been sitting around my childhood room collecting dust for over a decade since I moved away. When I returned home, I buried the notebooks away in a storage cabinet. “Now they have a new location to collect dust,” I thought.
One eveningout of the blue, I felt inclined to take those books out and begin reading, starting with the oldest one. The first entry was written a day after my 12th birthday as a seventh grade student, and 19-year-old me was responsible for the words written on the final pages. My intention was to quickly skim through a few entries just for fun and then put the notebook away and move on to another activity. Instead, over two hours later I was still sitting cross-legged on the cold tiled floor of the basement storage room with my eyes glued to the pages. I could not put down the book!
Some stories I remembered well, such as how proud my parents were when my twin sister and I passed our driving test and how we went out for ice cream afterwards to celebrate. Other stories I had a general recollection of, but had completely forgotten the details, such as my Grade 8 graduation. Still other stories seemed to have been removed from my memory completely and. I eagerly read to figure out what happened next. One such story was applying to a volunteer position at the local Humane Society, going through the interview and then learning that I hadn't been selected.
My emotions were all over the place as I read through the entries written by my younger self. At times, I was so proud of myself - of my accomplishments or of how I handled situations and emotions. At other times, I grimaced at how immature or narrow-minded I had been. Still other times, my heart was warmed as I relived recounts of beautiful memories shared with a very important person in my life at that time: my grandmother. She was the person who introduced me to journalling in the first place and who I can thank for having the privilege of reading back on my youth from my own perspective at that time. She will forever be my hero.
If I had to describe the experience of reading through my journal entries from my last years of elementary school and throughout my high school years in one word, it would be captivating. On one hand, I felt like I was reading a (fascinating!) novel written in first-person starring a relatable and articulate teenage girl. On the other hand, I felt like I was reading my autobiography written so long ago that the precise details were often blurry. But I knew that the words on the page were indeed written by me and reflected my viewpoints and recollections of events and feelings at the time. It was not unlike looking at old photos. (After all, they do not say a picture is worth a thousand words for no reason.) As I read through the pages, I could visualize the scenes of those times.
A humbling experience
Reading about experiences and my own emotions as written directly from my hand at that particular time was both a humbling experience and a gift. It was gift to relive old memories: the moments of immense joy and accomplishment (like graduating from elementary and high school and passing my driver's and piano exams), the little happenings of the day (like afternoons at Grandma's, fun days at school or a family trip on the weekend) and yes even the painful, too (sibling rivalries, feeling controlled by my parents). After all, the variety of the pleasant and not so pleasant makes a story captivating, and unique for parts of one's life.
Embrace humility during Lent
My journal entries allow me to understand my perception of the happenings of my world in a particular time and place – what a wonderful opportunity particularly as we journey through the Lenten season and prepare our hearts for the Good News of Easter. I have also been provided with validation for keeping up my journaling over the years and I have no intention of stopping as long as I am able.
The opening journal entry in my first book was jotted down around 20 years ago. If I could turn back time, knowing what I have acquired over that timeframe, I would share a few messages with my younger self: I would tell her that she is unconditionally loved and does not need to do anything to be worthy of that type of love. I would insist she never let go of her joy for the gift of life that so clearly radiates through her storytelling.
I do not know what my future entries will hold, but I would bet that there will be a fair share of ups and downs, ranging from trivial rants to profound moments of growth and understanding. In another 20 years, I hope that I will be blessed with a similar experience to read back over another two decades of my life.
Sarah Gagliano Taliun is a genetics professor with many interests in addition to studying DNA. She and her husband now call Montreal home. When she is not reading a scientific article or meeting with students, Sarah can be found experimenting with new recipes in the kitchen, reading her Bible or taking a walk in nature.