Finding Personal Connection in an Online World
"The existence of each and every individual is deeply tied to that of others: life is not simply time that passes; life is a time for interactions." — Pope Francis, Fratelli Tutti, no. 66
Relationship and connection are at the heart of the Christian life. We were not created to be alone but were created for relationship, as is evident in the trinity: three persons, one God, united in eternal relationship with one another. Yet, as our world becomes more virtual, it becomes harder and harder to deeply connect with one another. While technology can be used as a tool to connect with others, it often disrupts in-person connection.
How often do you see people on their phones in a restaurant, at school pick up, or during a child’s sports practice? There are hundreds of examples of times we are on our phones, interacting virtually but not present to those physically around us. We are all guilty of it. Depending on the situation, it might not be a bad thing. Maybe you have some work to get done while your child practices, or a podcast you’d really like to listen to, or just need some quiet time.
On the other hand, loneliness plagues our culture. Are we lonely because we are avoiding interaction with people in our community by escaping into our devices? Maybe you are not the one escaping into your device, but everyone around you seems to be. How do we form connections when everyone around us is staring at their phone?
Can we form personal connections in virtual worlds? Certainly, there is a time and place for social media and technology. I have met friends, clients, and even spiritual mentors online. How do we find the right balance?
Put Your Phone Down
First, I would recommend starting with a phone or technology fast of some sort. Discern what is right for you in your vocation. Maybe it is limited screen time; maybe it is removing social media apps for a specified time period; maybe it is leaving the phone in the other room when you are with family, friends, working, etc.
During this period, be aware of when you try to reach for your phone and why. Keep a list. Are you reaching for it to escape or avoid something else you should be doing? Are you bored? Do you need it to complete a task you are doing? Are you trying to connect with a specific individual? Are you trying to connect with a community? If so, is that a community where you already know someone?
At the same time, I encourage you to be more aware of your surroundings. Are the people around you constantly on their phones? How does this make you feel? Where are the opportunities to meet people? During your fast, are you more present to your family, friends, and neighbors?
You may find that your current connections begin to deepen during this fast. You might consider maintaining the restriction you set on your phone or other technology. This fasting period will help inform what you want to do moving forward. It will also help you understand whether you are using technology to escape or to find real connections and build relationships.
During certain periods of our lives, we may feel isolated. Whether we spend much of our time at home with young children or working from home, we may rarely interact with other adults. We may move to a new place where we do not have connections, or we may simply be introverted.
In these periods, we need to carefully discern how much we use technology to connect versus making an effort to meet in person. Both connection methods have value and merit. In today’s world, we probably need both, but we should be careful not to overconnect virtually and neglect in-person relationships. Yes, putting ourselves out there physically to meet new people is intimidating, but it is also one way we can grow.
Find an Environment Where Technology Is Less Present
If you determine during your technology fast that those around you are always using technology, it is probably hard to make connections with them. In these instances, I recommend you consider what you like to do or what your current state of life calls you to do, and find ways to put yourself in situations where technology is less present.
For example, maybe you love to work out, but you find that everyone at your gym is constantly wearing earbuds and on their phones. Consider joining a gym with classes. Usually, people will keep their phones in their bags during classes out of respect for the coaches. Classes are also often smaller, and the same people attend at the same time. This opens far more opportunities for relationships. Some of my best friends have come from my CrossFit gym. As a small gym, we are very community-focused, and there is something about suffering together that builds bonds.
Maybe you love to read; consider joining a book club. Maybe you love to walk; could you start a walking group in your neighborhood? Maybe you love to create; consider attending a paint-and-sip night.
Regardless of your hobby or interest, think about how you can interact with more people in person by doing this activity. Engaging in an activity builds connections faster because you already have something in common. It can also be less intimidating because you have a built-in topic to talk about.
Many of these groups will still have a technology connection within them, such as a Facebook group or a text chain. Honestly, I believe these are a great way to further build the connections. Some of these groups may only meet once a month. That’s only 12 times per year and not enough time to build a deep connection or relationship. The beauty of groups with a virtual component is that you can continue to connect even when you are not at the meeting or class. Be invested in participating in these groups and helping them thrive. Yes, there is a fine line between too much time on your phone, but when you are interacting with people you know in real life and building those relationships, virtual groups can help.
Start Online, Continue in Real Life
There is a time and place for social media groups and communities, even ones that you might not (yet) be associated with outside of the virtual world. The Catholic Women in Business Facebook group is a perfect example of this. Sometimes we cannot find the community we are looking for in our area; sometimes we want to reach out to a bigger group with similar values; sometimes we are in a state of life where we must be home more and do not have the time to meet people in person. In any of these situations, online groups provide a great opportunity to connect with others.
When using these groups for connections, I recommend a few things. First, try to make one-to-one connections. Simply following others within these groups can make us feel connected on the surface, but does not allow us to dive deeper and really get to know someone. If you see someone post something that really resonates with you, consider asking to direct message them and have a conversation. Maybe that conversation grows into a Zoom call. Maybe the Zoom call grows into a coffee meeting. Allowing the relationship to start in the group and grow more personal is key to finding true connections.
Make an Effort to Attend In-Person Events
Whether it is a work happy hour, a church group, or a neighborhood meet-up, do what you can to attend the in-person events that are available in your area. Even if you have to go alone (which can be very intimidating), push yourself every now and then to put yourself in an in-person environment where you can meet new people or grow relationships you have already started.
While there are opportunities online for genuine relationships, building a community in person will always be a bit more authentic. Certain social cues and interactions cannot take place virtually. We should be grateful for the opportunities technology gives us, but we also need to remember its limitations. As we navigate the ever-changing world of technology and virtual connections, the deepest connections will remain with the people we can be with in the same room.
Stay Real
Finally, whether you are growing virtual or in-person relationships, always remain authentic. The key to connecting with someone else is to be genuinely interested in who she is as a person while showing who you really are. Little by little – because relationships take time to grow and we must be prudent about how much we share – deep personal connections are made by being exactly who God created you to be and revealing this to someone else. To truly love is to will the good of the other. As Christians, we recognize that personal connections require loving one another.
Erica Mathews is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ Professional with Financial Counseling Associates, a family-owned financial planning and investment management firm. She helps relieve financial stress with organization, automation, and a plan, helping others manage their finances so they can live as God is calling them to. She lives in Colorado with her husband and four kids; they love CrossFit, rock climbing, gardening, and exploring nature. Erica’s email is erica@fca-inc.com.