Yikes, Am I Too Bossy?
“Be who you are and be that well as a witness to the master craftsman who created you” - St. Francis de Sales.
Have you ever fallen into a funk? Life is cruising along; you’re cool and confident, and then out of nowhere, something seemingly benign seeps into your cranium and gnaws away at your heart.
Pretty miserable, right? Yet, these hiccups often provide an opportunity to reflect and see ourselves in a new light.
To illustrate, once upon a time, I knew some ladies who loved to talk about “nice.” Statements regarding their own niceness or comparing the nicest females peppered their language. I started to feel accosted: “Wait, am I nice?” The words just boomeranged around my brain anytime I spoke with them. I knew, as someone with a choleric temperament, that I had no problem confronting, speaking my mind, or just debating someone. Suddenly, that seemed like a bad thing. Maybe it meant I automatically failed out of this “nice” obsession and belonged to the category of “bossy” and other unpleasant titles. Oh, heavens!
Not a Holy Question
Fast forward, and the results were even worse. “Am I nice?” became a fear that encouraged me to loosen up on my convictions, compromise on my values, and ultimately focus more on pleasing others. In short, “Am I nice?” made me selfish. My focus shifted to self-adulation rather than God’s glory. As a priest once remarked, wanting to be perceived as “nice” is seeking “human respect, not God’s respect.”
We all have different temperaments, different strengths, and different weaknesses. Just look at the saints: They are vastly different. There are fiery souls like St. Ignatius Loyola and gentle ones like St. Rita. The saints all have wildly unique stories, with wildly unique backgrounds, but they all possess charity.
“Charity is the theological virtue by which we love God above all things, for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1822) We can be bossy and lack charity, just as we can be nice and lack charity. When I remembered this, I immediately threw out the word nice. I knew I had to aim higher, focusing on pleasing my Creator rather than some arbitrary mold. After all, the goal isn’t people pleasing; it’s sainthood. Only when we love God first can we truly love our brothers and sisters well.
God has given you particular gifts. And for all the “bossy babes” out there, this is delightful news: being direct and even confrontational in a world that shirks away from hard truths is a gift. We need people who can stand firm in the truth, and who aren’t afraid to lead with love. It might garner a couple of eye-rolls and even a little name-calling, but that does not negate its strength. The crucial point for us is understanding our strengths in the light of virtue. It is not about dominating. It is not about control. Pursuing charity – not labels – will ensure that “bossyness” isn’t rooted in self-glory or nagging, but humility and love. It will be receptive, warm, and temperate.
No Need to Lose Hope
A lot of individuals rely on being told what to do or struggle with getting things done. The good side of bossy is that we’re talking about individuals who are self-motivated. They can see what needs to be done, and they do it. Recognizing the big picture means understanding not just the tasks, but the roles that need to be fulfilled. Coupled alongside charity and receptivity, these attributes forge a woman with strong character, steadfast in the responsibilities given to her, and the ability to work well with others.
Yes, most of us with a choleric temperament need to learn temperance and receptivity. It may feel discouraging, but as a spiritual director lightly teased, “Don’t give up; cholerics make great saints.” (And it’s true, there are lots of choleric saints!) All that conviction and drive is not just some foil but a beautiful force full of strength and conviction.
Ditch the labels, put away the fear, and be a saint. Your fiery spirit is a beautiful gift, capable of doing wonderful things for God. As St. Catherine of Siena said: “Be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.” St. Paul, St. James, St. Ignatius Loyola, pray for us!
Ann Burns is the founder of The Feminine Project, an organization dedicated to restoring the joy of womanhood. She is a writer and speaker, and strives to uphold what is truly good and beautiful. Most of all, she is a wife and mother, and loves to share the joy in living each day well.